Finding Direction

No 'clogging' (blogging about cooking.. hehe) this time. Im in doubt, and i hope when i blog about it, it may help me review the decision i have made.

I received a phone call around eleven-ish this morning. It was from the faculty. I thought they wanted to inform me the date to present (and defend) my thesis. Was relieved it wasn't. But.. the matter they relate to me, was.. the one that made me in doubt now.

A Prof and a Dr asked me to send my application for SLAB (SLAB is a scholarship program for Bumis, the Uni would sponsor your study and in return you have to work for them, for a minimum of 5 years). Being selected as a SLAB tutor, memang menjamin masa depan. No need to susah payah apply for job etc etc. Study ditanggung (wherever you wanted it to be, local or oversea), and placement for job also terjamin. But, i could not accept it. Main reason was, I don't intend to stay and work in KL. Study for Phd would take about 5 years, and another 5 years you have to serve the Uni. If u break the bond, you have to pay. A lot. So from the start, I know I could not commit myself. 10 more years away from JB? i just could not. 1 or 2 years maybe.

I had the same conversation with Prof, last year. She e-mailed me twice, asking me to apply for PhD slot from the fac. I came clean about the real reason for not applying the post. That I plan for my future to be in JB. That I wanted to get married first and then baru fikir about continuing study. Oh boy, she was a bit dissapointed. She even said "Alah.. nanti you belajar you boleh cari calon". Hehe. When i told her, i already have my calon, she grilled me with so many questions regarding himself! hehe. Seriously, even my own mum didn't bombarded me with so much questions at a time concerning him. haha. But I know she meant well. And would expect it since she was a very dedicated person to her job, and to the MLIS field.

I didn't want to apply, just for the sake of applying and later when being offered, i backed out without accepting it. I did that for the SLAB for Master's degree (i was being offered to continue my study in.. Software Engineering.. warghhhh.. among the reason i decline. hehe). Wasted. The same opportunities could be offered to others. So, for this time, I decline sebab, as i told the Dr "saya sudah mempunyai rancangan utk tinggal dan kerja di sini". And she left me at that, saying that she understand and would tell Prof about it. sigh of relief.

But after putting down the phone, terfikir lagi. Here I am, selak2 suratkhabar hari2 searching for a job. And there, right before my eyes, an opportunity waiting for me, and yet i would not take it. Mak said that SLAB is an opportunity. I agreed with mak, but it wasn't my opportunity. It involves making a huge turn in my life. Sugul jugak dibuatnya. Tapi terfikir lagi, i can't have both. If i want SLAB, i have to say goodbye to whatever i have in JB. That part yg memang I tak sanggup buat. I kejar yg itu, what about my life and what i wanted? I talked to Lemy about this, and he gave me the answer, yang sangat menyedapkan hati, "rezeki dtg bermcm2 cara, x semestinya apa yg jelas di dpn mata"

Mak ckp, i am the one yg belum tempuhi cabaran. Kakak had hers at her previous job. Napi had his too, changing from one job to another before settling with his current job. Mungkin cabaran org berbeza, and this is my challenge. Challenge in choosing the direction of my life.

It's mentally challenging.